Our Orlee’s first days are passing by. Quickly and slowly all at once. When the older two are around they feel fast but when it’s just her and I they’re longer and satisfying because I feel in control of enjoying it when there’s time to enjoy.
The fast days are hardest. Hard because I’m feeling so crippled by the joy she brings I’m almost wishing it away. I want this precious baby time frozen for always or I don’t want it at all. How can you totally enjoy happiness like this when you know it’s so temporary? You almost don’t want to feel it because surely I’ll just feel too sad knowing it’s gone. She’ll be here but it won’t be THIS. There’s more to come but it’ll be different and if I’m honest I doubt my ability to enjoy those bits as fully. Toddlers are complex and hard and she’s so wonderfully and innocently simplistic now. For now we’re lucky that her joys are simple and easily understood and I can give them all to her.
It’s too hard thinking forward. Everyday has that “last day of holiday” bittersweetness… There are things I’m looking forward to on the other side of the baby days. Things for me, things for her, things for us as a family, there’s so much to come. But I’m the kind of person who leaves my favourite part of a meal until the end because I like it to look forward to and I worry all the time this is the best bit.
So here we are, enjoying everything the very best we can anyway…